Back in November of last year, in efforts to escape the emptiness of post break-up life, I logged into the League and figured why the hell not. Much to my surprise, I "matched" with some very interesting and seemingly intelligent individuals. One in particular really caught my interest. We shall name this individual "Jeffrey" for the purposes of this story...
Jeffrey and I would chat via this app interface and occasionally over text quite reguarly as respective travels kept us from meeting in person for almost a month. Finally, Jeffrey was back from his multi-week outdoor adventure, and drove straight to meet me at a Griz concert. We had a blast, had a few adult spirits, and of course explored the chemistry a bit further. As a result of not fully "feeling myself", I drew clear boundaries and Jeffrey was very respectful of such.
It was clear he was infatuated with me, and it was clear I was unable to reciprocate any time soon. I kept my distance and made excuses for the next 2 months as Jeffrey excitedly texted me only to receive sparse and inconsistent responses from me. Finally I was honest with what was still unfolding for me and expressed it was nothing personal, but simply just not the right time currently. He understood, expressed his patience, and we would meet in person for a heartfelt apology from me.
Finally in January, as my heart began to fully heal and was in a playful state and began to open, I invited him over to share how I felt in person. He was receptive, kind, and agreed to ease into picking up where we left off. Things were smooth and fun the next few times we hung out. It was much to my surprise to receive a text one day that expressed his heart was no longer in it. Though I truthfully felt similar, I learned it was still uncomfortable being on the receiving side of this news.
In this moment, I felt both a bit rejected, but more so honored in his brutal and gentle honesty he shared with me. Clearly it took a few days of mulling over to reach a state of self-awareness and self honesty to communicate in raw truthfulness what he wanted and felt like he deserved. In this moment, I stepped out of over-identification with my emotions and was able to appreciate the his perspective on the matter, which I imagined may have played out something like this: Guy invested heavily in girl, treats her like a Princess, responds to every text immediately, yet gets stiff-armed for a good 2 months. Finally after girl "gets her shit together", comes over and experiences immense pleasure, is suddenly texting aggressively to see guy again. Guy may be feeling a bit used, and have too much respect for both parties to continue investing energy in something that realistically wasn't meant to be more.
Very interesting, very respectful, very honest, and a very opportune time for some self-reflection and compassion. I texted him back thanking him for speaking the unspeakable in such a gentle, kind way, and to express my gratitude for all the wonderful time spent together. Through this experience I learned to be much more considerate of others', and know when and how to set boundaries for myself when I'm clearly not in a space to be dating or playing. I learned that even though sometimes we think we are "clear" in our communication, we cannot account for how others interpret the message (the classic "no" means "maybe", and "maybe" means yes). I learned how not to take these things personally, how to get out of the ego's temptation to begin internalizing false stories of self-pity, and how to find the beauty and learning in all the unfolding. I learned how to respect and honor and the Divine Masculine, to a level I wasn't previously aware I needed to work on. I learned how intimate connections have the power to heal and change all, for the perceived better or worse (hopefully better most times). Most importantly though, I learned how to maintain my center, and not let any external perceptions or events throttle this unshakeable attitude of self-love and my self-worth.
Ever a work in progress, Every bit worth the process.
Love & Light,
Welcome to the inner musings and mind gems that I've harnessed from the thought streams that scurry across mind. Here you'll find the experiences, reflections, and learnings I feel worthy of documenting as my journey unfolds.